I am not sick, I am not sick, I am NOT sick....

Today was chemo #2. I had to go get my dressing changed this morning, so I rode down with my mom and we dropped my dad off at the airport. He left for Amsterdam this morning. He's probably still in the air, he's so lucky! Amsterdam was one of the neatest places I've ever been. Although the thought of traveling right now sounds miserable. He'll be back next Sunday....and then he has to leave for Chicago on Wednesday. Thinking about his schedule makes me totally exhausted! He'll be back for my last chemo, so I'm happy about that. I don't know what it is, but I just want everyone to be near. It's not that I'm scared, it's just comforting to know that my immediate family is close by at all times!

Anyway, I wasn't scheduled for chemo today, but since I was down there they squeezed me in. I was all for it. I want to keep this going! Even delaying it the few days I did scared me. I want those nasty cancer cells dead! ASAP! I got to the infusion room at around 9 and was done with everything at 3:45. Needless to say, it was another looonng day. Every time I am there I leave wondering how I lucked out. Most people wouldn't consider getting cancer even close to lucking out, but I feel so thankful. I met a girl today who is 34 and has stage 3 Hodgkin's lymphoma. She has three children. I can't imagine having children and having to have them witness such a horrible thing like this. Furthermore, the thought of not being able to care for them and be a normal mom is heart breaking. Even worse, she was misdiagnosed for six months! It's disgusting....and so maddening. Had they diagnosed it correctly the first time the could have started treating it at stage 1. Dr. Kretzler is my hero. Had he not been the "smart cookie" that Dr. Conrad said he was, I would be a walking time bomb...just waiting for the cancer to spread everywhere. It makes me so mad to think that the first radiologist who read my MRI said it was normal. How many other people are walking around Longview with crazy stuff going on? Thank goodness I had the pain or I would've trusted him and gone on with my life!

I've learned a lot about myself and life through this un-planned "journey." I bought "The Last Lecture" yesterday and finished reading it today. It was very inspiring and I recommend it to everyone, whether you have cancer or not. I thought it would be depressing being that I have cancer, but it wasn't. Although Randy only has a few months to live, he finds the best in every day and cherishes every day that he has. I can't comprehend what it would be like to know I only had three months to live. He is truly an amazing person. Life is so not fair sometimes. Why do bad things happen to such great people like him? I just don't get it. When he dies he will be leaving three beautiful children and a wife. How devastating!

Anyway, I had high hopes that this second round of chemo would be a lot less brutal than the first but on our way home from Portland I started getting really nauseated and I feel like at any second I might start puking. It's the worst feeling in the world. I just don't understand! Why am I feeling this way? They gave me a high potent anti-nausea drug through my IV and I'm feeling like this already!? When we got home I had a melt down. I just don't think I can make it through another round feeling like this. My only hope is that this is due to the lack of sleep I got last night. I had another sleepless night and only slept about 3 hours. Perhaps I'm just totally exhausted. I'll keep my fingers crossed...

Alright, I'm going to bed and hoping that this sick feeling will be gone when I wake up. And hopefully I don't wake up until the morning. I need sleep in the worst way. Maybe tonight will be the night my hair falls out. It falls out if I even look at it. It's crazy. For some reason I didn't think it would happen, but it's happening...and it's happening fast. My scalp is still aching. It feels like I have bruises all over my head. It hurts to touch it, brush it...it's really bizarre. Maybe I should just get rid of it tomorrow. Then I'll be the one to make myself bald, not the chemo.

Lastly, I hope none of you reading this ever have to go through this if you haven't already. When you wake up tomorrow be thankful for good health. It's something that most of us take for granted until something like this happens.

Night!
Katie

P.S. Check out this website: www.thelastlecture.com. It's truly inspiring!

P.P.S. Sorry for the novel...I didn't realize I wrote so much! I blame it on the chemo...and lack of sleep.

Six Flags

Joe and I planned a trip to LA for our 25th birthdays. We are five days apart, so we figured getting away for the weekend would be a good way to celebrate getting old. We booked everything about three weeks before I found out I have cancer. The main reason for our trip was to go to Six Flags. We LOVE roller coasters and thought it would be a fun little get away.

Dr. Hayden advised that I not go to Six Flags yesterday. That was like ripping out my heart and stomping on it! I've been sooo excited for this trip! Since when can't invalids ride roller coasters?! I've always envied the people at Disneyland on crutches or in a cast because they get to the front of every line. Shouldn't that be the same case with me?! I've waited in enough ride lines in my life to take advantage of my invalid status and do the same!

He said I'm at high risk for completely breaking my leg. Right now it's only fractured...which allows me to keep walking...but if I break it, I'll be in sad shape. He said there's a fine line and I have to be aware of it at all times. I can't walk too much, but I can't walk too little. I just don't get why he doesn't want me to ride roller coasters! I mean, if it's because he's afraid I'll be walking too much (there are lots of hills in that park), Joe can push me...to the front of every line!

I'm going to do all of the exercises he told me to do and hopefully I'll be in better condition before our trip. We leave on the 16th and we'll be back on the 18th. Just a short weekend trip. I called to see if we could cancel, but all of the fees we'd be charged would be about as much as the trip cost. We used our companion fare from Alaska and Priceline for the car and hotel, so it was really cheap.

I guess if we can't go to Six Flags we could just hang out for the weekend. I lived in Cali for a year when I went to Loyola, but yet I can't seem to think of anything we could do. We were so set on riding roller coasters!

In other news, Joe had to wash my hair in the sink today. I'm worried about taking showers because I'm not supposed to get my PICC line wet, and I didn't want to do it in the bath. He did a good job, but I'm afraid to report that my hair is falling out. A lot. My scalp hurts to the touch....I think that's another sign that all of it will soon be falling out. I'm so not looking forward to that. I didn't think I'd care at first, but now I'm not very happy. In my opinion, I don't look sick right now. But when I don't have hair, I'll look sick. Like I have nasty cancer. Oh well, this too shall pass....right? :/

Good news, good news...

We just got done at my appointment with Dr. Hayden at OHSU. He was awesome! And even better, he doesn't want me to have surgery! He said it's fractured and showed us the scans. It looks like my bone has holes in it! The cancer has just eaten away at it. He doesn't want me to use a wheelchair, he wants me to walk. But not too much because it could break very easily. If that happens I'll have to have a total knee replacement and he said it would be a big one. Also, since I'm so young I'd have to have about four of them in my lifetime... And I'd never be able to ski again. What the heck! So I'll try to avoid that at all costs!

Basically he wants mother nature to heal it which will take months. He said I can ski next season though, assuming I don't break it, so I'm thankful for that. No wearing heels, no squatting, no bending at the knee and he's going to take new scans and re-evaluate everything in six weeks.

Alright, that's that...I'm on my phone and my finger is tired of typing! No going to Pullman this weekend. :( And chemo will be either Monday or Tuesday. Yay!!

Why me?!

Today was absolutely exhausting. I only got about three hours of sleep before my appointment this morning. We left for Portland at 7 and Shirley went with my mom and I. It was so nice to have her with us! We got to Providence at exactly 8:30 and I went back right away to get my PICC line installed. That procedure went pretty good. It didn't hurt at all, but it totally creeps me out. I can't look at it....I have to have it covered up at all times! The nurse got it placed and I had to go down to X-Ray to make sure it was positioned right. While I was getting that x-ray, Dr. Nichols decided he wanted me to get my leg x-ray'd too since I fell yesterday.

The PICC line was exactly where it needed to be so they took the wire out and sent me on my way. The x-ray didn't show too much, so they ordered an urgent CT Scan. I had to go back downstairs and have that done. After that we met with Dr. Nichols again and he said that the radiologist said I fractured it. Because of this, I can't have my second chemo tomorrow. Instead I have to see an orthopedic oncologist on Friday morning and he'll decide what needs to be done. Dr. Nichols said it will most likely involve surgery and a couple of screws to stabilize everything. Just what I was hoping for! :( He didn't seem too surprised that this happened though. He didn't lecture me for walking too much, wearing heels.....that's why I like him so much!

Anyway, I'm in pretty bad pain and I'm waiting for my wheelchair to be delivered. That's right, I have to have a wheelchair again. I just sent it back, too! I thought those days were over. I guess I was wrong. They said I can't put any weight on that leg, so I'll also be using crutches again. And they ordered me a leg stabilizer so basically I'll be back to invalid status. Awesome.

Hope everyone had a better day than I had! Actually, my day wasn't too bad. It could always be worse. I'm pretty bummed I can't have chemo tomorrow....and not very excited about probably having to have surgery....but this all has to be done, so there's not much I can do about it but laugh. It is pretty funny afterall. Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong with me. I have cancer. I fell and got a fracture. I have to take a driving test because I have cancer and the list goes on and on and on. Can't sweat the small stuff!

PAIN

I am in soooo much pain right now. I've been awake since about 1 but just now woke Joe up. I had to have him go get my crutches so I could get out of bed. I'm so mad at myself for falling!! I shouldn't have been walking so much, shouldn't have been wearing heels. It's just so hard to restrict myself when I feel so good! I'm paying for it now though. My pain level is about a 10+ right now. I just took two oxycontin, hopefully they'll kick in soon. How did I ever cope with pain like this? It's amazing how fast I forgot how bad I really felt once I started to feel better. I suffered for months!

My head right above my forehead really hurts, too. I don't think I hit my head. Does the scalp hurt before hair falls out? Please don't let that be the case!!

I'm not going to go back to bed. I can't move, it hurts to lay because my hip is so bruised....I woke myself up crying again. I haven't done that since the oxycontin days!

I thought for sure I was done with these stupid crutches. I even wanted to give them back to the Engstrom's. Good thing I didn't. Now if only I still had my wheelchair....I just returned it to the medical company place that I was renting it from. Whoops.

I've fallen and I can't get up...

I worked from WORK again today! Only five hours, but better than nothing I suppose. My energy level is the highest in the morning, so I went in at 8. I also get a lot of work done between 8 and 8:30 when no one is around. It's quite nice!

I did a lot of walking at work today, without pain, but I had a little incident towards the end of the day. I was standing talking to Linda and next thing I knew I was on the ground. I fell! I have no idea how it happened, my leg must have just given out on me. Anyway, I fell back into a table and I have a huge bruise on my hip and my leg is hurting pretty badly. I'm going to have to tell Dr. Nichols when I see him....I'm afraid I might have fractured it. I'm still able to walk, but it looks a little swollen and it hurts to touch it. Hopefully the x-ray will come back normal. I'm scared that if it is a fracture, we'd have to delay chemo.

Tomorrow is PICC line day. A lot of you have asked what a PICC line is, so here's the best definition I could find (thanks, Google!): "A PICC is a long, thin, flexible tube known as a catheter. It is inserted into one of the large veins of the arm near the bend of the elbow. It is then slid into the vein until the tip sits in a large vein just above the heart." It creeps me out to think about it. Here are some illustrations....

I think I'd rather have this than a port though. People with ports still have to get poked every treatment. I'll just have to get "plugged in" and I'll be ready to go.

I still have my hair! Every morning I wake up and slowly touch my hair. For some reason I think that it will fall out while I'm sleeping....I imagine waking up bald. Hasn't happened yet though. And if it does, I'm prepared with wigs. I take it back about wanting it to fall out though ever since I learned how long it takes for it to grow back.

Alright, that's all for now. Maybe I'll post a picture of my picc line tomorrow after it's installed. :)

Thursday is chemo #2. I'm half way there!

The best weekend I've had in a long time!

This past weekend was wonderful! I felt the best I've felt since about January on Saturday. And even better, the weather in Longview was gorgeous! I think it got up to about 81! That should make anyone feel good!

Rich, one of Joe's fraternity brothers, was with us all weekend. He had to give a presentation in Portland on Saturday, so he came down and stayed with us. They had a lot of fun and it was great to see him and here about the latest and greatest in Pullman. After graduation in May, everyone we went to school with will be gone. That seems so weird! Joe went with Rich to Portland all day and I went to watch Spencer and the twins play t-ball. They were sooo fun to watch! Later that night we all went for dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. It felt so good to eat outside and not have to wear a coat! We had a late dinner then went to another fraternity brothers house and hung out with him and his wife until after midnight. We had a great time, and it was the first time in a long time that I actually felt normal and alive again. I think I did too much on Saturday though, because I was totally exhausted yesterday. It's just so hard to "take it easy" when I actually feel good. I haven't had a good day like that in literally months!!

In other news, I worked from WORK today. It felt so good to get up, get dressed and go. I even drove myself! I figure I better take advantage of having my license just in case I don't pass my test on Friday morning! :) I planned on working all day so I went home for lunch, but on the way back, I was so tired I just couldn't go. In fact, I was so tired I didn't think I could even make it back to my house, so I drove up to mom and dad's and passed out for about 2 hours. I wish they could give me an energy pill or something!

I'm going to work again tomorrow because I'm not sure what the rest of the week will be like. And other than being totally exhausted, I'm feeling pretty good. On Wednesday I have to have my PICC line put in. I'm not looking forward to that at all. I called today and they said it will take about 4 hours. Then I have to be back down on Thursday for my second chemo. If it's anything like last time, I'm going to be out of it after that for about a week. Not fair!

Joe and I really want to go to Pullman this coming weekend. It's Founder's Day and the last time we'll get to see everyone before graduation. I just don't know how I'll be feeling. It doesn't take too much energy to sit around and hang out though....it's just the drive I'm worried about.

Alright, time for bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open as I write this! It's so weird that I can sleep for 10 hours and still wake up exhausted. I can't wait for April to be over!