I guess I wasn’t good about keeping posts up, my last post was last April?! It’s now 2025. Sounds so weird to say that, especially when years like 2001, 1999 don’t seem that long ago. And then I do the math and I’m absolutely shocked.
Last March I was diagnosed with cancer. Again. Life is so crazy sometimes. A friend of mind reminded me that I was diagnosed on March 4, 2008 the first time (her birthday), and this time around it was March 3, 2024. We all thought I was in the clear and having cancer was so far in my rear view mirror I rarely even thought about it. People were always shocked when they would find out that it is part of my story. I never dreamed I’d be faced with it again. Maybe that’s naive, but I’m also glad I lived those 17 years in that state of mind - ignorance can be bliss! I actually think life just made it too hard to even think about. Two boys, two moves, one move across the country… a LOT has happened in those 17 years.
My cancer was found on accident this time around. I took a hard fall on my mountain bike at a downhill mountain bike course in Galena, Wisconsin. I was trying to keep up with the boys and there was a huge berm (google if you don’t know the word) and I slowed way down because I was scared. If you know anything about mountain biking, you know you never slow down for a berm. Long story short, I rolled down the hill. The pain wasn’t instant, I got up and told the boys what happened when I eventually caught up to them, but later the pain set in. My left hip started aching and the pain just never went away. Not debilitating, it didn’t keep me from working out or skiing (two of my favorite things) - just like a nagging headache that never goes away. I have a very high pain tolerance so that’s probably why it took me so long to go get it checked out.
Fast forward to February. We were skiing at Vail and I decided I couldn’t live with the pain anymore. Again, it wasn’t debilitating- I never even took anything for the pain- just so annoying. I made an appt for a scan when we got home.
I went straight to the specialist, a hip dr at ILBJ. He agreed a scan was necessary and told me he’d call right away with results. I never realized how much medical anxiety I have until my phone rang. I was weak and don’t remember much of the conversation. All I heard was “swollen lymph nodes.” I hung up pretty confused and also terrified. Anyone who has had lymphoma knows the fear of hearing those words. Sure, lymph nodes react all the time to illness etc, but it hits differently if you’ve had lymphoma. I knew that moment that something was wrong.
I had been in the pickup line when he called so when I got home and could compose myself, I called back. Turns out I had a torn labrum in my left hip (as suspected) but they also noted a few swollen lymph nodes in my right inguinal area (right groin). He recommended I get them checked out based on my history. And that is the day my life changed. I spiraled so fast I don’t even remember much of the two months after. I have never had debilitating fear like that. It was pure hell. Waiting for a biopsy, waiting for biopsy results. I couldn’t eat, I was having panic attacks and I was consumed with dark thoughts of dying and not being here to see the boys grow up. I have never been so low and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Waiting for biopsy results was the longest wait. And then it happened. Almost 5pm on March 3… phone rings and it says “Seba.” I changed the number to her name so I could be prepared for the call. I ran upstairs but couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I waited for the voicemail. It was the nurse. Such great news. In my mind, this meant it was nothing. So I quickly called back, feeling so relieved. The nurse decided to have me talk to the dr. My regular oncologist was out of town so she put me through to someone else. His first words were “Hi Katie. Tell me what you know…” Huh? I know nothing! I just had a biopsy and have been scared to death waiting for these results! I know nothing! He then went on to tell me it’s lymphoma based on the preliminary biopsy results but they would know more hopefully soon. He then said “I gotta say, this sucks! I’m only 2 years older than you and you’ve had this twice now??” I couldn’t believe my ears and that is not something I needed to hear at 4:55pm as their office is closing. I hung up in shock and quickly switched to Mom mode. I didn’t want Luke to be late to soccer. I don’t know how I managed to drive him there safely and completely forget about what I had just found out, but moms have super powers like that I guess!
I had told my book club ladies a few nights before… I needed so much support. The first person I saw after getting Luke into soccer was a book club friend. The timing was perfect and I immediately felt comfort. She told me I would be ok and those are the words I needed to hear. I went to the car and called my sister after that. I don’t remember much of that conversation other than being scared to tell her. All throughout this cancer journey, I never want anyone to be scared or worried about me. I know, impossible.. but I imagine being on the other side of it. I know I would be so worried and upset and it’s so hard to see friends and family like that.
My sister wanted to fly out that day but I wanted to keep life as normal as possible. The boys had no idea what was going on and, well, see above. The thought of them being scared was just too much. We decided to wait and see what the next steps would be. It took me TWO days to get the courage to tell Joe. Poor guy has been through it with me. He was so positive it was nothing, I couldn’t stand the thought of telling him I was sick again. It was horrible and so painful to get those words out.
Days later I found out this time around I have follicular lymphoma. I heard key words that stuck on the phone call “slow growing” “low grade” “looks like it’s localized.” There was a lot more info, but I took those phrases and kept repeating them over and over. We wouldn’t know for sure about it being localized until my PET scan but I was hopeful.
My sister flew out for my PET scan and thank goodness she did. Not sure how I would’ve driven myself there. Of course friends would’ve helped but nothing better than my sister. Joe of course was wanting to help but I was so worried about keeping everything from the boys. I wanted their life to be completely normal, no babysitters, no one but us picking them up/taking them to school…
On my way to drop my sister off at the airport days later I got a call as we were approaching the terminal. The dreaded “Seba” came across my screen. I immediately hit “reject.” Cat-like reflexes! I did NOT want to hear what she had to say about my PET scan. My sister was so mad. “I am not getting on that plane until I know the results!” I promised I would call as soon as I heard but if she didn’t get out she would miss her flight. She got out and we made a deal that I would call her as soon as I heard… and if it wasn’t good news, I would circle around and pick her back up. We played phone tag for a bit but finally I got the call and the good news that the lymphoma was just in the inguinal area. That call will be one that I will never forget. I felt so giddy. I was so happy! In that moment, I knew I would be ok…
Wow, I forget how therapeutic writing is for me. But it’s 6:58 am and I promised Liam I would wake him up early to study for the three tests he has today… I’ll write more later.
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