Life Can Change So Fast

I guess I wasn’t good about keeping posts up, my last post was last April?! It’s now 2025. Sounds so weird to say that, especially when years like 2001, 1999 don’t seem that long ago. And then I do the math and I’m absolutely shocked. 

Last March I was diagnosed with cancer. Again. Life is so crazy sometimes. A friend of mind reminded me that I was diagnosed on March 4, 2008 the first time (her birthday), and this time around it was March 3, 2024. We all thought I was in the clear and having cancer was so far in my rear view mirror I rarely even thought about it. People were always shocked when they would find out that it is part of my story. I never dreamed I’d be faced with it again. Maybe that’s naive, but I’m also glad I lived those 17 years in that state of mind - ignorance can be bliss! I actually think life just made it too hard to even think about. Two boys, two moves, one move across the country… a LOT has happened in those 17 years. 

My cancer was found on accident this time around. I took a hard fall on my mountain bike at a downhill mountain bike course in Galena, Wisconsin. I was trying to keep up with the boys and there was a huge berm (google if you don’t know the word) and I slowed way down because I was scared. If you know anything about mountain biking, you know you never slow down for a berm. Long story short, I rolled down the hill. The pain wasn’t instant, I got up and told the boys what happened when I eventually caught up to them, but later the pain set in. My left hip started aching and the pain just never went away. Not debilitating, it didn’t keep me from working out or skiing (two of my favorite things) - just like a nagging headache that never goes away. I have a very high pain tolerance so that’s probably why it took me so long to go get it checked out. 

Fast forward to February. We were skiing at Vail and I decided I couldn’t live with the pain anymore. Again, it wasn’t debilitating- I never even took anything for the pain- just so annoying. I made an appt for a scan when we got home. 

I went straight to the specialist, a hip dr at ILBJ. He agreed a scan was necessary and told me he’d call right away with results. I never realized how much medical anxiety I have until my phone rang. I was weak and don’t remember much of the conversation. All I heard was “swollen lymph nodes.” I hung up pretty confused and also terrified. Anyone who has had lymphoma knows the fear of hearing those words. Sure, lymph nodes react all the time to illness etc, but it hits differently if you’ve had lymphoma. I knew that moment that something was wrong. 

I had been in the pickup line when he called so when I got home and could compose myself, I called back. Turns out I had a torn labrum in my left hip (as suspected) but they also noted a few swollen lymph nodes in my right inguinal area (right groin). He recommended I get them checked out based on my history. And that is the day my life changed. I spiraled so fast I don’t even remember much of the two months after. I have never had debilitating fear like that. It was pure hell. Waiting for a biopsy, waiting for biopsy results. I couldn’t eat, I was having panic attacks and I was consumed with dark thoughts of dying and not being here to see the boys grow up. I have never been so low and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

Waiting for biopsy results was the longest wait. And then it happened. Almost 5pm on March 3… phone rings and it says “Seba.” I changed the number to her name so I could be prepared for the call. I ran upstairs but couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I waited for the voicemail. It was the nurse. Such great news. In my mind, this meant it was nothing. So I quickly called back, feeling so relieved. The nurse decided to have me talk to the dr. My regular oncologist was out of town so she put me through to someone else. His first words were “Hi Katie. Tell me what you know…” Huh? I know nothing! I just had a biopsy and have been scared to death waiting for these results! I know nothing! He then went on to tell me it’s lymphoma based on the preliminary biopsy results but they would know more hopefully soon. He then said “I gotta say, this sucks! I’m only 2 years older than you and you’ve had this twice now??” I couldn’t believe my ears and that is not something I needed to hear at 4:55pm as their office is closing. I hung up in shock and quickly switched to Mom mode. I didn’t want Luke to be late to soccer. I don’t know how I managed to drive him there safely and completely forget about what I had just found out, but moms have super powers like that I guess!

I had told my book club ladies a few nights before… I needed so much support. The first person I saw after getting Luke into soccer was a book club friend. The timing was perfect and I immediately felt comfort. She told me I would be ok and those are the words I needed to hear. I went to the car and called my sister after that. I don’t remember much of that conversation other than being scared to tell her. All throughout this cancer journey, I never want anyone to be scared or worried about me. I know, impossible.. but I imagine being on the other side of it. I know I would be so worried and upset and it’s so hard to see friends and family like that. 

My sister wanted to fly out that day but I wanted to keep life as normal as possible. The boys had no idea what was going on and, well, see above. The thought of them being scared was just too much. We decided to wait and see what the next steps would be. It took me TWO days to get the courage to tell Joe. Poor guy has been through it with me. He was so positive it was nothing, I couldn’t stand the thought of telling him I was sick again. It was horrible and so painful to get those words out. 

Days later I found out this time around I have follicular lymphoma. I heard key words that stuck on the phone call “slow growing” “low grade” “looks like it’s localized.” There was a lot more info, but I took those phrases and kept repeating them over and over. We wouldn’t know for sure about it being localized until my PET scan but I was hopeful. 

My sister flew out for my PET scan and thank goodness she did. Not sure how I would’ve driven myself there. Of course friends would’ve helped but nothing better than my sister. Joe of course was wanting to help but I was so worried about keeping everything from the boys. I wanted their life to be completely normal, no babysitters, no one but us picking them up/taking them to school… 

On my way to drop my sister off at the airport days later I got a call as we were approaching the terminal. The dreaded “Seba” came across my screen. I immediately hit “reject.” Cat-like reflexes! I did NOT want to hear what she had to say about my PET scan. My sister was so mad. “I am not getting on that plane until I know the results!” I promised I would call as soon as I heard but if she didn’t get out she would miss her flight. She got out and we made a deal that I would call her as soon as I heard… and if it wasn’t good news, I would circle around and pick her back up. We played phone tag for a bit but finally I got the call and the good news that the lymphoma was just in the inguinal area. That call will be one that I will never forget. I felt so giddy. I was so happy! In that moment, I knew I would be ok… 

Wow, I forget how therapeutic writing is for me. But it’s 6:58 am and I promised Liam I would wake him up early to study for the three tests he has today… I’ll write more later.

Eight (8!) years since my last post!

Wow, eight years since my last post!  A lot of life has happened since 2016! 

We now live in the cutest little suburb of Chicago called Libertyville.  In 2018 we purchased an independent paper testing laboratory, Chicago Paper Testing Lab.  We moved from Longview on July 25, 2018.  It’s hard to believe we have been Illinois residents for almost six years.  

Libertyville is such a great place to raise a family.  I would’ve been in heaven living here when I was a kid!  Kids are always out and about on their bikes, they are close enough to ride their bikes to school and on a regular basis the police report says “nothing to report this week.”  It is not lost on me that we are extremely lucky to be in this little bubble.

Liam is now 13!  He is in 7th grade and doing great.  He is an amazing skier, mountain biker and just an all-around cool kid.  

Luke will be 10 in July.  He is in 3rd grade this year and he is sad that the school year is almost over because he loves his teacher so much.  He has the biggest heart and still has that full head of red hair!

I’m wondering if anyone still reads this.  I’m not even sure what made me think of it and I can’t believe I remembered my password!

We’ll call this post a test to see if anyone is still out there.  😅

Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016!

Happy New Year's Eve!  As always, I was shocked to see I haven't blogged in over a year.  But as today is the last day of 2015, I thought I'd take a minute to say goodbye to the year!  It's more for my memory than anything else, I almost forgot I had a blog so I'm sure I don't have any readers.

I must say 2015 was probably the busiest year of my life thus far.  They say the years start going faster, I really can't wrap my brain around that.  How is that even possible?!  And as I sit here thinking back on the year, it is all kind of a blur.  I guess that's what having two young children will do to your brain!

The highlights---vacations!  Always the best part of the year for me.  We went on a week long beach trip with Joe's family/cousins/aunts/uncles in July.  Joe's cousin and family from New York even came, it was so fun getting to bond with their kids.  We would give anything if they lived closer.  This trip coincided with Luke's 1st birthday so we had quite the celebration.

In August Joe and I got a free trip to Fort Lauderdale.  Joe was offered a job with Kemira and they had him down to job shadow.  We were SO close to taking the job they wanted me to come check out the area as well.  It was my first time away from Luke---and the farthest I've ever gone without Liam.  Both boys stayed with Joe's parents and they had a blast.  And I must say Joe and I did as well.  It's a beautiful area, we fell in love with it.  We were also spoiled big time.  Room upgrades, amazing meals.  I have to tell myself it wouldn't have been like that day in and day out if we had moved.  To say I'm not mourning that adventure would be a lie.  I think it would've been a totally amazing opportunity for our little family and a great bonding experience.  It was life a giant tug of war.  They wanted us, no one wanted us to go.  It was extreme highs and lows.  Excitement one minute and fears and tears the next.  And when I say we were close to moving, I mean it was pretty much a done thing.  Liam was even registered for preschool and we were set to go back and look at houses.  Joe decided last minute to go a different direction.  And I admit the summers would've sucked.  Big time.  We were there at the hottest time of the year.  At dinner one night we decided to sit outside to get the true experience.  I was totally soaked with sweat.  Forget eating---I had no appetite.  Looked like I just ran three marathons I was so sweaty!

In October we surprised Liam with a trip to San Diego for his 5th birthday.  My baby is 5!  Truly unbelievable.  We were down there for a week and had the most amazing time.  The real surprise was on his birthday, both sets of grandparents joined us for the remainder of the trip.  The look on his face when he saw them waiting for us to pick them up at the airport is something I'll never forget.  He was so, so excited.  The love he has for his grandparents is so special and fun to see.  I love it.

Time always seems to go fast after Liam's birthday.  We turn around and it's the holidays!  I honestly haven't even gone through all of his birthday presents and now we have a new load from Christmas.  Most say December birthdays are hard, I think Liam's birthday is too close to Christmas too.  Luke is the lucky one with a July birthday!

Joe's company (Kemira) shut it's doors in September.  It's been a very emotional process.  They saw so much potential in Joe they were doing everything they could to keep him.  But alas, he decided to be brave and make his own path.  He is starting his own business.  Me, being the one that pays the bills, was scared to death.  Like Joe says, Florida would've been the safe option.  He is a risk taker and wants to take the risk.  We are still young if it doesn't take off but it's looking like it will be an amazing thing.  With that said, there's a lot of 'hurry-up-and-wait' when starting a business.  He's been working from home since his last day in September (office space almost secured though) so we've all gotten large doses of Joe.  At first I had a really hard time---talk about throwing our routine out the window.  And I am a huge routine person!  I really changed my frame of mind after talking to one amazing person that knows our situation at MOPS.  She told me to embrace it.  It is short term and most people and children never get to spend time like that with their father.  It will be over and he'll be working long hours before we know it so just enjoy everyday.  I came home feeling like a new person.  That was just what I needed to hear.  Truer words have never been spoken.  When Joe was at Kemira, the boys would go days without seeing him (gone before they woke up and in bed before he got home).  Gone for dinner some weeks, sleeping all day other weeks.  It was really hard on all of us.  Luke especially has bonded with him in a way that is so special to see.  Liam was already his best bud but it's been awesome to see Luke with him.  Luke has the best of both worlds.  His three favorite people are with him 24/7!  And with all of that said, it will soon be ending as they've just about secured a place to launch.  So exciting!

Luke is changing so much.  He has the best personality and disposition.  He is at a really fun age but also the hardest age.  I forgot about this stage!  Throwing food, throwing little fits...in to EVERYTHING and unlike Liam, he is a climber.  I can't turn my back for even a second.  I went to throw garbage away and when I came back in, he was standing on the dining room table slipping around on the table runner.  He's getting really good, he can get up AND down now but it's still scary.  From around Thanksgiving until right before Christmas was the hardest time I've ever had with him.  I think he was going through the 18 month sleep regression on top of getting 7 or 8 new teeth.  It was so rough.  His normal wake up time in the morning is between 7-8am but he was waking up at 5 and not going back to sleep.  His normal naps also stopped.  I would've been fine with that but he was so exhausted and cranky he couldn't not nap.  Some days he was so upset and fighting nap so hard he would sleep standing up.  That's right.  Sound asleep standing up in his crib.  Most days that didn't even happen though, just screaming and fighting it like crazy.  Not normal for the boy who usually just laid down and waved to me as I left the room.  Finally it stopped, about exactly a month later.  He's back to his normal wake up time and taking awesome afternoon naps.  Thank goodness, I really thought my life was over for a bit.  It's one thing to skip nap if he sleeps until 8 or 9 but to get up at 5 and not nap makes for all of us being cranky.

I'm still participating in MOPS (Mothers of preschoolers) and actually took a position on the Steering (leadership) team this year.  I absolutely love every minute of it.  It's great being more involved in something that I am so passionate about.  MOPS has been such a great thing for me.  I've met so many great friends.  In fact, when we thought we were moving to Florida, I connected with the nearest MOPS group to the area we'd be living.  The support I got from the women was amazing---so kind, so welcoming.  It made me feel not-so-alone.  It's so important to have a community like that being a stay-at-home-mom.

I also began volunteering with the Make-A-Wish foundation.  I haven't worked on a wish yet but I am looking forward to that in 2016.

One of the things I'm most looking forward to in 2016:  SKIING!  It's been two seasons without any trips to the mountain for me.  The year before last I was pregnant, last season I was nursing and wasn't able to leave Luke all day.  But now.  Now I'm free!!!  Just gotta line the grandparents up to babysit. :)  We are going to put Liam in lessons this year.  Not sure who is more excited, him or us!  I can't wait until all four of us can ski together.  I'm sure it wont be long until I can't keep up with them!

We are also looking forward to two confirmed vacations.  I love having vacations to look forward to!  The first is a spring break trip.  Doing the annual Sanderson trip in April instead of the summer.  We'll be gone for a week, going somewhere sunny and warm with lots of pools.  Any guesses?  I don't think anyone will ever guess. ;)  Joe's cousin Katie and family are joining all the way from New York so we can't wait for some cousin time!  Then this summer we are spending a week in Sunriver.  My dad surprised us all at Christmas with a trip.  I can already smell it (Sunriver has such a distinct smell)!  Luke will be TWO and it will just be so much fun.

Joe and I also want to get away for our birthdays.  Just a little mini getaway, one or two nights.  We actually want to do Six Flags again---we are rollercoaster obsessed!  My birthday is on a Friday this year so hopefully it will work out.

I think 2016 will be a great year.  My goal is to enjoy everyday, not dwell on the past and try not to wish time away.  That's hard at times when kids are small.  Excited for when they hit milestones so things will be easier. But then I look back and miss the time when they were so small.  I really realize how fast it goes now that Liam is 5, starting kindergarten in September.  Time to step back and enjoy every crazy moment.

Goodbye 2015, Cheers to the best 2016!

Happy December

Happy December!  The picture above is my view this morning.  I forced myself to get up so I could enjoy a few minutes with my coffee and the tree.  This is my favorite time of the day and it's even better with a tree!

We used our Charlie Brown tree this year.  For the past few years we've gone out into the forest and gotten one.  I'm not talking a tree farm, I'm talking the national forest.  We buy a permit, drive on logging roads and come home with a gorgeous tree.  It just seemed hard this year for some reason.  I'm blaming it on Luke.  It's a long car ride, a lot of walking around in the woods in very cold weather....this just seemed easier.  Liam was so excited to decorate.  I'm calling this his tree this year.  All of our collectible ornaments, none of the fancy stuff.  Now all Joe needs to do is get some lights up outside and we'll call it good.  Being that this is our first Christmas in our new house, he's not sure what his plan is yet.  He had lights for our old house down to a science.  My vote is just simple and minimal this year.  Probably because that means less time outside and more time with him inside helping me with Luke.  :)

Off to enjoy my coffee before the babies wake up and my day officially begins..

Two days shy of a year

Only two days shy of a year since my last post.  I try not to let myself feel guilty about my lack of blogging, these days it's hard to even get the daily things done, let alone have time to sit down at the computer and actually write.  

SO much has happened since my last post, I'm not even sure where to begin.  Liam still continues to amaze us each and every day.  His vocabulary, his passion, his heart.  He is so special. He had his 4 year check-up yesterday and he had everyone cracking up.  He's funny, smart, tender hearted...really a perfect little human being.  He started pre-school last January.  He had a hard time leaving me, that was the first time he'd ever been left with anyone but family, but he adjusted by the end of the year.  In fact, his school offered summer camps, fun little sessions that were three hours a day, and he insisted on doing ALL of them.  I think there were six!  He's a thriving little boy and he makes me proud every day.  

Just a few days after my last blog, I announced I was pregnant!  It was on Thanksgiving actually!  Fast forward to today and I now have the sweetest little boy, Luke.  He's already four months old.  Unbelievable how fast time is going this time around.  He has the reddest hair, just as Liam predicted. :)

After we found out we were expecting, life got really busy with things we hadn't even planned on happening.  We bought a new home---we hadn't even planned on moving, my mom just happened to see an ad for it in the paper, for sale by owner, I called about it, we looked at it that day and put earnest money down a few days later.  We hadn't even listed our house so we were taking a big chance.  Everything always seems to work out though.  We sold our house to a lady in Portland, she called and made a full price offer within ten minutes of seeing it.  Full price and CASH!  So the transaction was so fast and smooth.  It was a whirlwhind!  We moved in at the end of March.  We absolutely love it.  We loved our old house but we had outgrown it.  We now have more space for Liam to play, a bigger back yard, a much better elementary school when the kids start....it just feels more like a home.  

Two days after we got moved in we took off for a week in Scottsdale with Joe's parents.  What a fun trip!  Liam still talks about it.  In May we took Liam to San Diego, our last trip as a family of three.  It was so magical.  The perfect age to take him.  He was so fun!  We went to Legoland, SeaWorld and the San Diego Safari Park.  It was a wonderful trip, so many fun memories made!

And then in June, Joe and I took one last trip just the two of us.  I saw "one last" as if we go a lot.  Lol.  I should say "one last" and "our second ever" trip. :)  We went to Vegas for two nights.  It was fun to getaway but something about being almost 9 months pregnant and being in 112 degree heat just isn't the most enjoyable.  We definitely need a re-do.  But not to Vegas.  We weren't fans.  But maybe it had something to do with the heat and the huge and pregnant factor?

After that trip it was hurry up and wait for Luke to arrive.  We got a lot of house projects done and enjoyed every minute with Liam.  My biggest fear about having a second was that he would feel left out.  I still worry but he has (for the most part) adjusted really well.  Luke was born on July 14 at 7:30pm.  It was another fast and easy birth.  Even easier than Liam actually. My dr was amazing.  Amazing!  He made it all so calm and relaxing.  Yeah, I said relaxing!  I loved giving birth this time around, I knew exactly what was going on and it was just all so surreal.  Liam predicted for months before that Luke would have a "red hair bomb."  We have no idea where he came up with that, as we don't even know anyone with red hair.  My sister got him on video saying it before he was born, he was up on the bed with me.  Sure enough, brother had/has a red hair bomb.  Everyone was totally shocked!  

Life as a family of four has been easier than I thought it would be.  The age difference between Liam and Luke has really helped.  I got to enjoy so much with Liam, and I get quite a bit of one-on-one time with Luke when Liam is at school.  The hardest part is not having as much time with just Liam.  Once I'm not having to nurse Luke as much, I think it will be easier to have dates with just Liam.  He's pretty understanding, but he has shown some regression.  Mostly at school---he doesn't want me to leave him most days. :(  But he gets over it as soon as I walk away so I'm hoping it's just a quick phase.  It breaks my heart though!  I'm so thankful for my parents, they really help so much with both boys so I don't have to miss out on volunteering in his class, going on field trips.  So at least he knows I still want to be involved in his life!  It's just a little crazier these days. 

Ok, gotta get that last cup of coffee in before my two little bosses wake up.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off now that I blogged---if I can just keep it up now!  Here's to hoping!  

Happy Thanksgiving if I still have any readers out there!

Just THANKFUL

Gosh, I'm so lazy.  I couldn't even keep up with my thankful posts!  Oh well, at least I'm getting one more in before the big day.  Today I am thankful for my health.  I was so sick Monday night and yesterday.  I can't remember ever being that sick.  It was awful.  Thankfully my mom was home and was able to step in and take care of my mom duties.  First time ever I haven't been able to take care of Liam, what a horrible feeling.  He had a fun day with Grandma though.

We went and got our Christmas tree last weekend!  It was our second year of going to the National Forest to get it and we had a great time.  It was a beautiful day, there was snow when we got there and we ended up with a gorgeous noble, probably about 11 feet tall, for $5.  Not a typo.  Five dollars.  Amazing.  I must admit I'm more in Christmas mode than Thanksgiving for the first time ever.  I blame it on Thanksgiving being so late this year.  Hopefully it's earlier next year.  Need more time to savor both holidays!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Thankful Days 12 and 13

Thankful Day 13:  I am SO thankful how easily Liam has took on the task of potty training.  He is so stubborn, when I would ask or try, he would absolutely freak out and say he didn't want to, diapers are more comfortable, didn't want to be a big boy...you name it.  Then the day before Halloween we were at Carly's and he made a deal with me that he'd try to go on the "big boy potty" when we got home from Gavin's.  I thought he was just humoring me so I made him shake on it.  And then had to explain what shaking on it meant.  Anyway, sure enough, when we got home from Gavin's, he ran to the bathroom and went.  WHAT?!?!  Who is this kid!  And it's been smooth sailing since.  He's had a few accidents but I would say less than 10.  I haven't gotten brave enough to do the undies when we are out and about, but I think he would do fine as his diapers are usually dry when we get home.  YES.  I thought he'd be in diapers until college for sure!

Thankful Day 12:  Yesterday I was thankful for having the best day ever on Monday.  We took Joanna to a spa in Portland for her baby shower gift.  And we decided to all go with her and make it a girls day (thanks for agreeing to that, Jo)!  The weather was gorgeous, the spa treatment was heavenly and dinner and all 4 of our desserts were delicious.  My cup was full that night.  I absolutely love days like that!