The new me

I did it! My hair is gone! Actually it's 1/8" long. I couldn't stand it falling out any longer. And I must say, it feels pretty good! So much better than having hair everywhere. PALS was closed so we made an emergency trip to Great Clips. I figured they couldn't screw anything up....I wanted it all gone anyway! Now I wont have to use the lint roller when I get out of bed tomorrow morning! Here's the pictures Joe took...
I went to the airport with my mom to pick up my dad on Sunday and he hadn't seen my super short hair. I wasn't wearing a wig, I was just rocking my man-do. When he saw me he said, "I didn't know I had a son!" Since I think I look like a guy, he decided they should give me a guy name. He came up with Toby. So him and Joe call me Toby. Good thing I have a sense of humor about all of this!

On a side note, I crack up everytime I look at the Google ads at the bottom of this. Since I've been talking about losing my hair, all of the ads have been how to fix hair loss. If only that would work for me!!

Update

Hello! Just thought I should give an update and let everyone who reads my blog know that I'm still alive and kickin'. I've had a really bad cold so I haven't been feeling good at all. Just what I need on top of all the chemo side effects! I worked today and yesterday, but by the time I get home I'm totally wiped out. As soon as I get home I fall asleep. Today was a short nap...only about 2 1/2 hours. ;) One of the things I'm looking forward to most is getting my energy back!

My hair is still falling out. Today has been a very bad hair day. I don't know how much longer I can handle it! I wasn't going to shave it because so many people have told me that it's more likely to grow back the way it was if you just let it fall out, but it's everywhere and it's driving me crazy. Especially when it gets down my shirt! I think we might shave it after dinner tonight. I would let it just do it's thing, but since I still have more chemo, I'm pretty sure it's just going to continue to fall out. Awesome.

Alright, that's all I have to say. I've been reading other blogs of people who have cancer and after reading them I feel selfish making a big deal out of this. My story is nothing compared to some of the others I've read.

Happy Birthday, Dad!!

Just a quick post to wish my dad a happy birthday! Dad, thank you for being so supportive and such a wonderful dad. You're the best! We wish you didn't have to spend your big day in Amsterdam, but at least you'll be back home tomorrow! We love you!

Happy Friday!

Although I haven't been feeling the greatest, the weeks are still flying by. How can it possibly be the end of April!? Usually I wish that time would slow down, but I am SO happy that it's going so fast right now. My last treatment is on May 7th! That's so close! My chemo has been brutal, but I'm so glad that I'll be done soon...I can't imagine having to go through this a day longer than I have to!

I worked five hours today! Not a full day, but a big accomplishment for me. As soon as I got home I passed out though...I just woke up! I felt pretty good all morning except for one little sick episode. I didn't actually get sick, I just thought I was. These moments happen so fast and it's almost like they paralyze me. I can't talk, can't move....and if I think about the wrong thing, I actually do get sick. It's torture! Luckily Leona was going to the store and stopped by to see if I needed anything and I asked her to get me a diet 7-up. I think that helped, but it took awhile.

I have to go to urgent care tonight at 6:30. My ears hurt so bad. I thought maybe it was another nasty side effect, but the nurses in Portland didn't seem to think so. Hopefully I don't have ear infections...or strep throat. My throat hurts, too. Please let it just be allergies!

Hope everyone has a good weekend! It's supposed to be sunny and warm tomorrow in Longview! Hopefully the sun comes through for us. We deserve it!

It's still falling out...

Morning! I thought cutting my hair super short would make it seem like it was falling out at a slower rate. Not the case! It's still falling out very fast. Just touching it makes it fall out. I guess this butch cut will only be temporary after all. Looks like I'll be going completely bald!

I'm going to work this morning. I'm going to wear my hat. It screams out that I have cancer, but oh-well. I do have cancer, so why should I hide from it? And besides, my head is freezing! I didn't realize how much warmth all that hair I had provided!

We'll see how long I'm able to make it this morning. I slept all night, but I'm not feeling good. Joe is making breakfast and I can barley stand the smell of it. I can't eat this morning and I feel nauseous after taking my anti-nausea medicine. My ears and throat are hurting pretty badly this morning, too. Hopefully that's just allergies. Having a sore throat and no appetite make it even harder to eat though!

I made it to cancer class last night. I wasn't able to make it to last weeks class, so I was glad I was able to go, especially since it was the last class. Last night was survivor night. People that have gone through chemo/radiation and are back to normal came to talk about their experience. It's amazing how differently people react to chemo. One guy said he only got nauseous three times....and he ate enough for three people. He said he was constantly stuffing his face. Then another lady said that the was the exact opposite. She couldn't eat, she was exhausted...that's definitely how I'm feeling. The cancer class teacher said that younger people tend to have harsher reactions to chemo. It seems like it would be the exact opposite! She also said that the treatment I'm getting is very strong stuff, so my symptoms are worse.

Ok, here's the picture...

Ok, my mom wanted me to put a picture up so here goes. Hopefully you aren't as scared as I was when I saw it! The blob on my lap was Allie. She didn't want to show her face.

It's gone!

Well, my hair is gone. Actually, it's not totally gone, I just look like a guy. Seriously, I feel like my hair is just about as short as Joe's! I went to get it washed this morning at PALS, but we decided it would be best to just cut it super short since so much of it was falling out. So here I am, looking like a guy. When I look at myself I just laugh. Crying wont do much good, so I might as well laugh about it.

I'm not quite brave enough to show a picture yet...it's still pretty shocking, but perhaps I'll get the courage to do it later today or tomorrow. We'll see.

I've been feeling pretty crappy today. I've been staying on top of my anti-nausea medicines, but I still feel that feeling like at any moment I might throw up. And I'm absolutely exhausted. Even though I slept 10+ hours last night. Have I mentioned how excited I am for this to be over with?!

Thanks to Alan, Brenda and Jeannie at PALS for the complimentary butch cut. :) And again, to everyone else, thanks for the continued support, prayers, e-mails, cards (nothing like getting REAL mail!), flowers, food, and everything else. I'm just so amazed by all of it. I've written more thank you notes than I can even count! The other day Joe stopped me and said, "You don't need to send thank you notes to people who send cards, Katie." So I haven't been doing that...but please know that it means the world to me!

Bye bye hair

Ok, this is getting to be ridiculous. If I even just run my fingers through my hair I come out with huge clumps. However, because I have sooo much hair, you still can't even tell. It's amazing. You should see all the hair we've had to sweep/roll/vacuum up! It's disgusting! But like Joe says, at least we know the chemo is working!

Anyway, I'm to the point where I can't wash and dry it by myself, so I'm going into PALS tomorrow to get it done. I'll let her determine whether it's worth saving. I have a feeling as soon as the heat from the blow dryer hits it, it will be gone. We shall see. I better enjoy my potentially last night with hair! I just have to remember not to touch it. And I have to stay away from food...it gets into everything. I already don't have an appetite, having a mouth full of hair in my food doesn't help! I might as well just do the damn thing and have her shave it. It just seems so cold! And I don't think it will grow back very fast. What if I have to wear a wig to my
wedding?! :(

As I write this, other than feeling totally exhausted and nauseous, I'm feeling OK. I slept a lot today. I went to bed at 10, woke up briefly at 8 to take some meds, slept till 11 then slept all the way to Portland. And yet I'm still exhausted. I can't wait to have energy back again! We had to go down to Portland to get my white blood cell booster shot, so hopefully that works. I can't imagine getting sick on top of all the chemo side effects! I haven't been able to eat much today. Just a small cup of soup. I think for dinner I'll have a junior frosty from Wendy's. That's the only thing that sounds good. Healthy, huh?! Oh well, at least it has lots of sugar, fat and calories. Haha, exactly what I don't need!

I am not sick, I am not sick, I am NOT sick....

Today was chemo #2. I had to go get my dressing changed this morning, so I rode down with my mom and we dropped my dad off at the airport. He left for Amsterdam this morning. He's probably still in the air, he's so lucky! Amsterdam was one of the neatest places I've ever been. Although the thought of traveling right now sounds miserable. He'll be back next Sunday....and then he has to leave for Chicago on Wednesday. Thinking about his schedule makes me totally exhausted! He'll be back for my last chemo, so I'm happy about that. I don't know what it is, but I just want everyone to be near. It's not that I'm scared, it's just comforting to know that my immediate family is close by at all times!

Anyway, I wasn't scheduled for chemo today, but since I was down there they squeezed me in. I was all for it. I want to keep this going! Even delaying it the few days I did scared me. I want those nasty cancer cells dead! ASAP! I got to the infusion room at around 9 and was done with everything at 3:45. Needless to say, it was another looonng day. Every time I am there I leave wondering how I lucked out. Most people wouldn't consider getting cancer even close to lucking out, but I feel so thankful. I met a girl today who is 34 and has stage 3 Hodgkin's lymphoma. She has three children. I can't imagine having children and having to have them witness such a horrible thing like this. Furthermore, the thought of not being able to care for them and be a normal mom is heart breaking. Even worse, she was misdiagnosed for six months! It's disgusting....and so maddening. Had they diagnosed it correctly the first time the could have started treating it at stage 1. Dr. Kretzler is my hero. Had he not been the "smart cookie" that Dr. Conrad said he was, I would be a walking time bomb...just waiting for the cancer to spread everywhere. It makes me so mad to think that the first radiologist who read my MRI said it was normal. How many other people are walking around Longview with crazy stuff going on? Thank goodness I had the pain or I would've trusted him and gone on with my life!

I've learned a lot about myself and life through this un-planned "journey." I bought "The Last Lecture" yesterday and finished reading it today. It was very inspiring and I recommend it to everyone, whether you have cancer or not. I thought it would be depressing being that I have cancer, but it wasn't. Although Randy only has a few months to live, he finds the best in every day and cherishes every day that he has. I can't comprehend what it would be like to know I only had three months to live. He is truly an amazing person. Life is so not fair sometimes. Why do bad things happen to such great people like him? I just don't get it. When he dies he will be leaving three beautiful children and a wife. How devastating!

Anyway, I had high hopes that this second round of chemo would be a lot less brutal than the first but on our way home from Portland I started getting really nauseated and I feel like at any second I might start puking. It's the worst feeling in the world. I just don't understand! Why am I feeling this way? They gave me a high potent anti-nausea drug through my IV and I'm feeling like this already!? When we got home I had a melt down. I just don't think I can make it through another round feeling like this. My only hope is that this is due to the lack of sleep I got last night. I had another sleepless night and only slept about 3 hours. Perhaps I'm just totally exhausted. I'll keep my fingers crossed...

Alright, I'm going to bed and hoping that this sick feeling will be gone when I wake up. And hopefully I don't wake up until the morning. I need sleep in the worst way. Maybe tonight will be the night my hair falls out. It falls out if I even look at it. It's crazy. For some reason I didn't think it would happen, but it's happening...and it's happening fast. My scalp is still aching. It feels like I have bruises all over my head. It hurts to touch it, brush it...it's really bizarre. Maybe I should just get rid of it tomorrow. Then I'll be the one to make myself bald, not the chemo.

Lastly, I hope none of you reading this ever have to go through this if you haven't already. When you wake up tomorrow be thankful for good health. It's something that most of us take for granted until something like this happens.

Night!
Katie

P.S. Check out this website: www.thelastlecture.com. It's truly inspiring!

P.P.S. Sorry for the novel...I didn't realize I wrote so much! I blame it on the chemo...and lack of sleep.

Six Flags

Joe and I planned a trip to LA for our 25th birthdays. We are five days apart, so we figured getting away for the weekend would be a good way to celebrate getting old. We booked everything about three weeks before I found out I have cancer. The main reason for our trip was to go to Six Flags. We LOVE roller coasters and thought it would be a fun little get away.

Dr. Hayden advised that I not go to Six Flags yesterday. That was like ripping out my heart and stomping on it! I've been sooo excited for this trip! Since when can't invalids ride roller coasters?! I've always envied the people at Disneyland on crutches or in a cast because they get to the front of every line. Shouldn't that be the same case with me?! I've waited in enough ride lines in my life to take advantage of my invalid status and do the same!

He said I'm at high risk for completely breaking my leg. Right now it's only fractured...which allows me to keep walking...but if I break it, I'll be in sad shape. He said there's a fine line and I have to be aware of it at all times. I can't walk too much, but I can't walk too little. I just don't get why he doesn't want me to ride roller coasters! I mean, if it's because he's afraid I'll be walking too much (there are lots of hills in that park), Joe can push me...to the front of every line!

I'm going to do all of the exercises he told me to do and hopefully I'll be in better condition before our trip. We leave on the 16th and we'll be back on the 18th. Just a short weekend trip. I called to see if we could cancel, but all of the fees we'd be charged would be about as much as the trip cost. We used our companion fare from Alaska and Priceline for the car and hotel, so it was really cheap.

I guess if we can't go to Six Flags we could just hang out for the weekend. I lived in Cali for a year when I went to Loyola, but yet I can't seem to think of anything we could do. We were so set on riding roller coasters!

In other news, Joe had to wash my hair in the sink today. I'm worried about taking showers because I'm not supposed to get my PICC line wet, and I didn't want to do it in the bath. He did a good job, but I'm afraid to report that my hair is falling out. A lot. My scalp hurts to the touch....I think that's another sign that all of it will soon be falling out. I'm so not looking forward to that. I didn't think I'd care at first, but now I'm not very happy. In my opinion, I don't look sick right now. But when I don't have hair, I'll look sick. Like I have nasty cancer. Oh well, this too shall pass....right? :/

Good news, good news...

We just got done at my appointment with Dr. Hayden at OHSU. He was awesome! And even better, he doesn't want me to have surgery! He said it's fractured and showed us the scans. It looks like my bone has holes in it! The cancer has just eaten away at it. He doesn't want me to use a wheelchair, he wants me to walk. But not too much because it could break very easily. If that happens I'll have to have a total knee replacement and he said it would be a big one. Also, since I'm so young I'd have to have about four of them in my lifetime... And I'd never be able to ski again. What the heck! So I'll try to avoid that at all costs!

Basically he wants mother nature to heal it which will take months. He said I can ski next season though, assuming I don't break it, so I'm thankful for that. No wearing heels, no squatting, no bending at the knee and he's going to take new scans and re-evaluate everything in six weeks.

Alright, that's that...I'm on my phone and my finger is tired of typing! No going to Pullman this weekend. :( And chemo will be either Monday or Tuesday. Yay!!

Why me?!

Today was absolutely exhausting. I only got about three hours of sleep before my appointment this morning. We left for Portland at 7 and Shirley went with my mom and I. It was so nice to have her with us! We got to Providence at exactly 8:30 and I went back right away to get my PICC line installed. That procedure went pretty good. It didn't hurt at all, but it totally creeps me out. I can't look at it....I have to have it covered up at all times! The nurse got it placed and I had to go down to X-Ray to make sure it was positioned right. While I was getting that x-ray, Dr. Nichols decided he wanted me to get my leg x-ray'd too since I fell yesterday.

The PICC line was exactly where it needed to be so they took the wire out and sent me on my way. The x-ray didn't show too much, so they ordered an urgent CT Scan. I had to go back downstairs and have that done. After that we met with Dr. Nichols again and he said that the radiologist said I fractured it. Because of this, I can't have my second chemo tomorrow. Instead I have to see an orthopedic oncologist on Friday morning and he'll decide what needs to be done. Dr. Nichols said it will most likely involve surgery and a couple of screws to stabilize everything. Just what I was hoping for! :( He didn't seem too surprised that this happened though. He didn't lecture me for walking too much, wearing heels.....that's why I like him so much!

Anyway, I'm in pretty bad pain and I'm waiting for my wheelchair to be delivered. That's right, I have to have a wheelchair again. I just sent it back, too! I thought those days were over. I guess I was wrong. They said I can't put any weight on that leg, so I'll also be using crutches again. And they ordered me a leg stabilizer so basically I'll be back to invalid status. Awesome.

Hope everyone had a better day than I had! Actually, my day wasn't too bad. It could always be worse. I'm pretty bummed I can't have chemo tomorrow....and not very excited about probably having to have surgery....but this all has to be done, so there's not much I can do about it but laugh. It is pretty funny afterall. Everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong with me. I have cancer. I fell and got a fracture. I have to take a driving test because I have cancer and the list goes on and on and on. Can't sweat the small stuff!

PAIN

I am in soooo much pain right now. I've been awake since about 1 but just now woke Joe up. I had to have him go get my crutches so I could get out of bed. I'm so mad at myself for falling!! I shouldn't have been walking so much, shouldn't have been wearing heels. It's just so hard to restrict myself when I feel so good! I'm paying for it now though. My pain level is about a 10+ right now. I just took two oxycontin, hopefully they'll kick in soon. How did I ever cope with pain like this? It's amazing how fast I forgot how bad I really felt once I started to feel better. I suffered for months!

My head right above my forehead really hurts, too. I don't think I hit my head. Does the scalp hurt before hair falls out? Please don't let that be the case!!

I'm not going to go back to bed. I can't move, it hurts to lay because my hip is so bruised....I woke myself up crying again. I haven't done that since the oxycontin days!

I thought for sure I was done with these stupid crutches. I even wanted to give them back to the Engstrom's. Good thing I didn't. Now if only I still had my wheelchair....I just returned it to the medical company place that I was renting it from. Whoops.

I've fallen and I can't get up...

I worked from WORK again today! Only five hours, but better than nothing I suppose. My energy level is the highest in the morning, so I went in at 8. I also get a lot of work done between 8 and 8:30 when no one is around. It's quite nice!

I did a lot of walking at work today, without pain, but I had a little incident towards the end of the day. I was standing talking to Linda and next thing I knew I was on the ground. I fell! I have no idea how it happened, my leg must have just given out on me. Anyway, I fell back into a table and I have a huge bruise on my hip and my leg is hurting pretty badly. I'm going to have to tell Dr. Nichols when I see him....I'm afraid I might have fractured it. I'm still able to walk, but it looks a little swollen and it hurts to touch it. Hopefully the x-ray will come back normal. I'm scared that if it is a fracture, we'd have to delay chemo.

Tomorrow is PICC line day. A lot of you have asked what a PICC line is, so here's the best definition I could find (thanks, Google!): "A PICC is a long, thin, flexible tube known as a catheter. It is inserted into one of the large veins of the arm near the bend of the elbow. It is then slid into the vein until the tip sits in a large vein just above the heart." It creeps me out to think about it. Here are some illustrations....

I think I'd rather have this than a port though. People with ports still have to get poked every treatment. I'll just have to get "plugged in" and I'll be ready to go.

I still have my hair! Every morning I wake up and slowly touch my hair. For some reason I think that it will fall out while I'm sleeping....I imagine waking up bald. Hasn't happened yet though. And if it does, I'm prepared with wigs. I take it back about wanting it to fall out though ever since I learned how long it takes for it to grow back.

Alright, that's all for now. Maybe I'll post a picture of my picc line tomorrow after it's installed. :)

Thursday is chemo #2. I'm half way there!

The best weekend I've had in a long time!

This past weekend was wonderful! I felt the best I've felt since about January on Saturday. And even better, the weather in Longview was gorgeous! I think it got up to about 81! That should make anyone feel good!

Rich, one of Joe's fraternity brothers, was with us all weekend. He had to give a presentation in Portland on Saturday, so he came down and stayed with us. They had a lot of fun and it was great to see him and here about the latest and greatest in Pullman. After graduation in May, everyone we went to school with will be gone. That seems so weird! Joe went with Rich to Portland all day and I went to watch Spencer and the twins play t-ball. They were sooo fun to watch! Later that night we all went for dinner at Joe's Crab Shack. It felt so good to eat outside and not have to wear a coat! We had a late dinner then went to another fraternity brothers house and hung out with him and his wife until after midnight. We had a great time, and it was the first time in a long time that I actually felt normal and alive again. I think I did too much on Saturday though, because I was totally exhausted yesterday. It's just so hard to "take it easy" when I actually feel good. I haven't had a good day like that in literally months!!

In other news, I worked from WORK today. It felt so good to get up, get dressed and go. I even drove myself! I figure I better take advantage of having my license just in case I don't pass my test on Friday morning! :) I planned on working all day so I went home for lunch, but on the way back, I was so tired I just couldn't go. In fact, I was so tired I didn't think I could even make it back to my house, so I drove up to mom and dad's and passed out for about 2 hours. I wish they could give me an energy pill or something!

I'm going to work again tomorrow because I'm not sure what the rest of the week will be like. And other than being totally exhausted, I'm feeling pretty good. On Wednesday I have to have my PICC line put in. I'm not looking forward to that at all. I called today and they said it will take about 4 hours. Then I have to be back down on Thursday for my second chemo. If it's anything like last time, I'm going to be out of it after that for about a week. Not fair!

Joe and I really want to go to Pullman this coming weekend. It's Founder's Day and the last time we'll get to see everyone before graduation. I just don't know how I'll be feeling. It doesn't take too much energy to sit around and hang out though....it's just the drive I'm worried about.

Alright, time for bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open as I write this! It's so weird that I can sleep for 10 hours and still wake up exhausted. I can't wait for April to be over!

Stupid DMV

On May 13 I turn 25. A couple of weeks ago I got a letter from the DMV saying it's time to renew my license. Since the picture on my license is from my second year at WSU, I decided it was time to get a new picture taken. I also decided since I'll most likely be losing my hair, I better get it renewed before my hair starts falling out. My mom drove me to the DMV (I still can't drive) and I had high hopes of getting my picture taken and getting a new license. The DMV dude started asking the following questions:

DMV Dude: Have you been taking any medications that would inhibit you from driving?
Me: Yes, but I haven't been driving and I'm not taking them anymore.
DMV Dude: Ok, well even if you aren't taking them, since you told me you were, I have to give you this paperwork for your doctor to fill out.

Great. We get the paperwork and leave frustrated and I'm mad at myself for telling the truth! Especially since at that point I wasn't even taking Oxycontin! Dr. Bartlett was kind enough to fill everything out for us and yesterday we took it back. I got the same guy and I limped to the counter proudly with my required paperwork in hand. By the way, the paperwork said that I wasn't currently taking anything that would alter my driving.

DMV Dude: Hmmm, so what's the deal? (He says this after seeing the paperwork has me cleared to drive). Why are you having a hard time walking?
Me: I have cancer. And the tumor is in my femur so I haven't been able to walk...but I'm walking now, just slowly.
DMV Dude: Ok, just a minute. (He goes in the back to talk to someone). Ok, we're going to have to have you take a driving test before we can issue you your license.
Me: Are you serious?!? A driving test?!
DMV Dude: Yes. If you don't do it, your license will be suspended.
Me: This is ridiculous!
DMV Dude: Can you be here next Friday at 8:30 am?
Me: I guess so.....

So that's that. I have to take a flippin' driving test. I'm so frustrated!!! I asked if I could at least get my picture taken before my hair falls out and he said no. That can't be done until I pass the test. So now we're going to have to practice driving. I've been driving since I was 15, but I don't back around corners and parallel park every day. And everyone knows I'm not the best backer-upper. I mean, I backed into my parents house when I had my Jeep! WHO DOES THAT?!!? Katie. So although I've only totaled one car and gotten into three wrecks, (good record, huh?!) I think I need to practice. ;) However, I've been feeling so crappy, that's the last thing I have time to do! I guess we'll see what happens. The test is scheduled for the morning after my second chemo. If I don't pass I have to wait a week to take it again. Ridiculous.

Anyway, I just had to share that story. I tried to call up to Olympia to see if it's really necessary being that Dr. Bartlett cleared me to drive, but I couldn't get through. "Due to high call volume, we can't take your call." Instead of putting me on hold, I just get disconnected every time. It looks like I'm not going to get out of it.

I'm looking forward to some sunny weather this weekend. It's supposed to be 76 tomorrow! YAY! I'm even more excited for the warm weather now that Joe and I invested in a heat pump. It's the best thing ever. No more camping out on hot days at mom and dad's this summer!

Lastly, here's the link to the segment about the dangers of plastic water bottles: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/24046273#24023514 Everyone should watch it. It will have you checking everything you drink and eat out of that comes in plastic!

Hope everyone has a good weekend.....sorry for such a long post!

Katie

P.S. I'm still feeling pretty shitty. Thankfully I slept through the night, but I just don't feel good. I feel very feverish, nauseous and the only thing that sounds good to eat are Corn Pops. Weird. I seldom eat cereal, let alone Corn Pops! Nutrition-less sugary crap.

Insomnia

It's 2:21 am and I've been up since midnight. I last remember looking at the clock around 11, so I think I only got about an hour of sleep. I don't know why this his happening! I feel totally exhausted but my body just wont let me sleep. I'm even taking medicine that's supposed to help me sleep through the night. I had to take more anti-nausea medicine a few minutes ago. I feel like I might have a puke fest any minute. I also think I have heart burn. I've never had it before, but it's what I think heart burn would feel like. To sum things up, I basically feel like I'm about 90 rather than 24!! I learned tonight that because my chemo is dose-dense (same amount, shorter amount of time), the side effects are usually greater. Awesome. Just what I was hoping for!!

My dad left for Washington D.C. this morning, but he read my blog and sent me an e-mail about my post about drinking out of plastic bottles. Here's what he had to say:

Katie,

Just read you blog. The reason plastic bottles are pliable is that they are filled with chemicals called plasticizers, among other things. Specifically, a class of compounds called phthalates has been linked to cancer.

There was a recent news headlines about phthalates being found in babies because of the use of plastic baby bottles. We analyze for phthalates and other PPCP’s (pharmaceutical and personal care product) chemicals that are finding their way into our drinking water and food supplies at our Kelso laboratory.

Put this on your website and wow your readers with your scientific knowledge – and it might get us some work, too!!

Hope you are feeling better today.

Love, DAD

If you need your stuff tested go to www.caslab.com. :) How's that for free advertising?! I threw away 3 Nalgene's today and checked every water bottle I drank out of. All of the Nalgene's were 7, which is the worst, but luckily most of the Dasani and Costco waters are labeled 1. I still don't think I'm going to drink out of them though. Going through cancer makes me search for reasons as to why I got it. Is it from all of the diet coke I drink? All the sugar free crap I eat? It's probably not related at all, but if people can do something to prevent it, I don't understand why you wouldn't. A lot of people at my cancer class have lung cancer, which is probably because they smoked so long. I don't understand why people my age smoke. Not only does it look trashy it's proven to cause cancer!! Perhaps it takes a scare like mine to make people realize.

Alright, time to watch more of Jon & Kate Plus 8 on TLC. Never knew it was a show until my late night wide-awake sessions!

P.S.

As I was struggling to make it out of bed this morning, I saw a very interesting segment on The Today Show about water bottles. A lot of the chemicals in the plastic are being linked to lots of dangerous things including infertility. The guy said if the bottom of your plastic water bottle (including Nalgene's) has a 3, 6 or 7 to STOP USING IT! I immediately went and looked at our Nalgene's and sure enough, they are all tagged with 7's! He said that's the worst!

Anyway, just want everyone to be aware. Throw them away! Use glass!

One week later

It's been a week since my first chemo. I can't believe it's only been a week. Time hasn't been going as fast as I'd like it to! Everyone says I should start feeling better about a week after chemo, so that's today. Do I feel better? Negative. I puked all weeks worth of food up on Monday and haven't quite recovered from that yet. I have a hard time sleeping at night, my ears and throat hurt....I feel like I have the flu.

Anyway, hopefully what everyone says is true and I start feeling better by the end of today, tomorrow at the latest. I tried my hardest to go to work today and I even got as far as taking a shower! I didn't make it much further than that though. I ended up back in bed and slept for a few more hours. I had mono when I was in college and I thought that was bad....this is nothing compared to that! Just writing this forces me to find every little bit of energy I have. My next chemo is the 17th, so hopefully I can have a few normal days before I get my butt kicked by the chemo again!

Alright, that's all I have to say. I wasn't going to update, but with all of the people reading this, I wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive and kickin'. :)

Have a good day!

Holy shizzle

I went to bed at 8:30 last night totally miserable. I woke up what seemed like hours and hours later excited that the night was over and I could get up, but when I looked at the clock it was only 11:11. I hate it when that happens! I still felt horrible, so I just got up. I went to the couch and watched TV until 4:30. Finally at 4:30 I fell asleep and slept until 5:30. I don't feel too tired at this very moment, just sick.

I was hoping I wouldn't puke at all, but I just did four times. Thank goodness Joe was still here...I always get so scared and weak when I throw up.

Needless to say, it's another rough day in the life of Katie. All I ask for is a few days of feeling good before my next treatment!

I wonder why I'm not handling it well? I've handled everything else fairly well. I went to Maui the day after my biopsy for goodness sake! :(

Ok, sorry about the complaining. It's just really depressing to feel so crappy when I felt fine (besides the pain) before chemo. I guess I truly am full of poison. I even have to double-flush because I'm so "toxic." I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THIS IS OVER!!!

M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E

That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling since I last wrote. I was sick all last night and I have a hard time wondering how I'm going to make it through two more treatments. Thank goodness I only have to have three instead of six. I'd really be feeling depressed if I had to feel like this until September!

I'm walking now (no crutches!), but it takes forever to get anywhere. I'm excited that the pain in my leg is down to about a 2...the lowest it's been...but I'd almost take that pain over what I've been feeling these last several days. It's horrible! So much for chemo drugs coming a long way! I know everyone reacts differently, but hopefully I'll snap out of this soon! When looking around the room on my first day of chemo, some people looked like they hadn't gone through anything and others looked like they'd been to hell and back.

Another big complaint is the fact that I have the energy of a slug. When I decide I need to take a shower, it takes about 45 minutes to even get to the bathroom. I'll get up, then I'll get so tired, I'll sit back down and sleep. It sucks! I figure for every hour I'm up and active, I have to sleep for about 3 to make up for it. I can't wait to have my life back again!

Thanks again to all of you for the cards, letters, e-mails, calls, flowers, yummy dinners....it means so much!

Is this as good as it gets?

The chemo is kicking my butt. I guess that's a good thing, at least we know it's working, but why does it have to make me feel so crappy? I didn't have the hiccups at all last night (we found out it IS a side effect, so they gave me something for it), but I still didn't sleep well. However, I did sleep well enough to not be able to fully wake up and take ibuprofen. I had to get a shot yesterday that's supposed to raise my white blood cell count, but it also causes severe bone and joint pain. My opinion of not sleeping well is probably what most people would call a very deep sleep. My "deep sleep" is more like being in a coma! Needless to say, I woke up at around 4 aching miserably. Hopefully I'll be able to help that with more drugs, but they said once it starts, it's hard to get rid of. Awesome.

I haven't puked yet, but I feel like I could at any moment. Sometimes even looking at food makes me want to. I went to the grocery store with Joe last night and I didn't think I was going to make it out without throwing up. I was able to force myself to eat 1/2 can of condensed chicken noodle soup for dinner (now I have enough salt to last me a year!), but that was it. I'm taking a steroid called prednisone which is actually supposed to make you crave and want to eat everything in sight, but that's not the case for me. And hopefully it doesn't become the case! I've gained 20 freakin' pounds throughout all of this. I know a lot has to do with all of the shots I had to take for the egg retrieval....and the fact that I haven't even walked for 3 months....but it's really starting to get me depressed. I know I can't let it get to me, it's only temporary (at least it better be), but I can't help but worry. It especially doesn't make since to me considering I hardly eat anything all day. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe my metabolism is on vacation?

My leg is starting to feel a lot better. I walked around a lot yesterday without crutches! By walk, I really mean more like a limp...and it takes forever to get to where I'm going, but I'm still going to count it as walking! My leg is so incredibly weak though. I've come close to falling many times and the doctor said I have to take it easy because it's so susceptible to fractures right now. The cancer has been eating away at it for months, so it's pretty weak. I'm going to have to start physical therapy soon. It's gotten so weak, I have to lift it when I want to raise it! Pretty pathetic.

Well, I think that's it. I was hoping I'd fly through this without any problems, but it doesn't look like that's the case. Oh ya, I also have a fever and my face is really flushed. My body probably hates me right now. Last week I took so many shots that my ovaries became the biggest they'll ever be and produced more estrogen than I'll ever have, and now this week I'm killing everything with chemo. I guess it makes since why I'm not feeling too hot!

Hope everyone has a good weekend! I read over my papers again and from what it sounds, the worst side effects don't hit until day 3 or 4 AFTER chemo. Wish me luck through the weekend!

One down, two to go!

I survived my first day of chemo! We got there at 8:30 and I was able to leave at 4:30. It took awhile to get things started, but I was basically in the chair with an IV from 10:15 to 4:30. I was doing fine at first, but then I had a reaction to one of the drugs. Within a matter of minutes, I got a rash all over my body, my ears plugged up, my nose started running and I could hardly swallow. A lot of people react to this drug the first time so they knew what to do! They had to stop it for awhile and then start back up again but go really slow....which is why we were there so long. Hopefully next time is faster! I really like it there though and I met a lot of great people. There were three different things that had to be pushed through the IV and on one of them the nurse said, "And this is what makes hair fall out." It also made me pee turn pink. Hahaha, just what you want to know, right?!

All in all, it was a piece of cake. They do want me to get the PICC line before my next treatment though. A PICC line is a peripherally inserted central catheter. I'll be all numbed up for that and it will make it so that I wont have to go through the misery of having IVs every time I go for treatment. The chemo is really hard on the veins, so they all recommended it. Oh-well, it sure is better than a port!

My energy level started to dive on the way home last night. I managed to make it through our Wednesday night cancer class, but all I could think about was bed. By the time that was over my body was literally aching. I don't think I've ever been so tired! I slept for about 3 hours then woke up with the hiccups. They lasted for about 2 hours! And then I got them again at about 4, so needless to say I haven't slept very well. It's driving me crazy! I read through all of my side effect papers, and that's not one of them, so hopefully it's just a fluke!

I have to go back down to Portland today to get a shot that will help keep my white blood cell count up. The nurse told us it's a $6,000 dollar shot! How do drug companies come up with these crazy numbers?! Although the shot will hopefully prevent me from getting an infection when my counts start to drop, she said I'll most likely experience severe bone and joint pain. Just what I need! It seems like a catch 22 to me!

In fun news, I got another picture from the embryologist! This one is a shot of some of the actual embryos. They have a couple more days of growing before they freeze them. She said they all look great though! Mom, Dad, Jayne and David....your first 9 of who knows how many embryo grand babies!

Happy.....chemo day?

We're leaving for Portland in about 10 minutes. I can't believe I'm starting chemo today. It's all seemed so surreal until now. I'm wearing my "Hey Cancer..." shirt, so at least I'm wearing the right attitude. I'm trying to stay positive, and I am for the most part, I'm just scared of the drugs. I've heard of people having such bad experiences during chemo.

I hardly slept at all last night due to my leg hurting so bad. Usually I can keep it under control with oxycontin, but last night it just didn't cut it. I think it was the stupid cancers way of attacking me with pain one last time before I attack it with chemo!

Wish me luck! Is it bad that I secretly hope my hair falls out?! I was looking forward to wearing my wigs! They say I might not lose it now because I'm only having three treatments. Shoot.

Another picture

Below is another picture I just got from the fertility clinic. It's a lot cooler than the first one! Here is what the embryologist said:

Hi Katie, Here is another photo of your eggs before I froze them and we were really happy with how the eggs looked. We remove the cells surrounding the eggs so we can tell if they are mature. There are 12 eggs in the photo although I ended up freezing 18.

I am still so amazed by all of this! I can't wait to see the pictures of the embryos before they're frozen!

In other news, I'm feeling pretty crappy again today. I am having some of the symptoms of ovarian hyperstimulation, but not enough to go to the hospital. Yet. They told me if I have shortness of breath or start throwing up that I need to be seen right away. Hopefully chemo doesn't make me sick. I wont know if I'm sick from that or from hyperstimulation! I guess it can be pretty dangerous, causing blood clots. That's the last thing I need! They told me to take it easy again today which is exactly what I've done. I've slept most of the day. Oh how I can't wait till I can live a normal life again!!

Tomorrow's the big chemo day. I have to be down in Portland at around 8. First I have a blood draw, then an appointment with Dr. Nichols and then chemo. I'm pretty scared, but I just have to keep telling myself it's the only way I'll get better. Mom will be going with me tomorrow. They only allow one person with me, so I decided she'd be the perfect candidate since she's been my #1 caregiver. Joe needs to work and make us money! :) He'll go to the next treatment. This one will last all day, so I didn't want him to miss an entire day of work. Dad has to fly to Arizona tomorrow and Kim and George left for Palm Springs this morning. It feels lonely knowing that they're all gone! At least we're getting back to our normal lives though.