Today was chemo #2. I had to go get my dressing changed this morning, so I rode down with my mom and we dropped my dad off at the airport. He left for Amsterdam this morning. He's probably still in the air, he's so lucky! Amsterdam was one of the neatest places I've ever been. Although the thought of traveling right now sounds miserable. He'll be back next Sunday....and then he has to leave for Chicago on Wednesday. Thinking about his schedule makes me totally exhausted! He'll be back for my last chemo, so I'm happy about that. I don't know what it is, but I just want everyone to be near. It's not that I'm scared, it's just comforting to know that my immediate family is close by at all times!
Anyway, I wasn't scheduled for chemo today, but since I was down there they squeezed me in. I was all for it. I want to keep this going! Even delaying it the few days I did scared me. I want those nasty cancer cells dead! ASAP! I got to the infusion room at around 9 and was done with everything at 3:45. Needless to say, it was another looonng day. Every time I am there I leave wondering how I lucked out. Most people wouldn't consider getting cancer even close to lucking out, but I feel so thankful. I met a girl today who is 34 and has stage 3 Hodgkin's lymphoma. She has three children. I can't imagine having children and having to have them witness such a horrible thing like this. Furthermore, the thought of not being able to care for them and be a normal mom is heart breaking. Even worse, she was misdiagnosed for six months! It's disgusting....and so maddening. Had they diagnosed it correctly the first time the could have started treating it at stage 1. Dr. Kretzler is my hero. Had he not been the "smart cookie" that Dr. Conrad said he was, I would be a walking time bomb...just waiting for the cancer to spread everywhere. It makes me so mad to think that the first radiologist who read my MRI said it was normal. How many other people are walking around Longview with crazy stuff going on? Thank goodness I had the pain or I would've trusted him and gone on with my life!
I've learned a lot about myself and life through this un-planned "journey." I bought "The Last Lecture" yesterday and finished reading it today. It was very inspiring and I recommend it to everyone, whether you have cancer or not. I thought it would be depressing being that I have cancer, but it wasn't. Although Randy only has a few months to live, he finds the best in every day and cherishes every day that he has. I can't comprehend what it would be like to know I only had three months to live. He is truly an amazing person. Life is so not fair sometimes. Why do bad things happen to such great people like him? I just don't get it. When he dies he will be leaving three beautiful children and a wife. How devastating!
Anyway, I had high hopes that this second round of chemo would be a lot less brutal than the first but on our way home from Portland I started getting really nauseated and I feel like at any second I might start puking. It's the worst feeling in the world. I just don't understand! Why am I feeling this way? They gave me a high potent anti-nausea drug through my IV and I'm feeling like this already!? When we got home I had a melt down. I just don't think I can make it through another round feeling like this. My only hope is that this is due to the lack of sleep I got last night. I had another sleepless night and only slept about 3 hours. Perhaps I'm just totally exhausted. I'll keep my fingers crossed...
Alright, I'm going to bed and hoping that this sick feeling will be gone when I wake up. And hopefully I don't wake up until the morning. I need sleep in the worst way. Maybe tonight will be the night my hair falls out. It falls out if I even look at it. It's crazy. For some reason I didn't think it would happen, but it's happening...and it's happening fast. My scalp is still aching. It feels like I have bruises all over my head. It hurts to touch it, brush it...it's really bizarre. Maybe I should just get rid of it tomorrow. Then I'll be the one to make myself bald, not the chemo.
Lastly, I hope none of you reading this ever have to go through this if you haven't already. When you wake up tomorrow be thankful for good health. It's something that most of us take for granted until something like this happens.
Night!
Katie
P.S. Check out this website: www.thelastlecture.com. It's truly inspiring!
P.P.S. Sorry for the novel...I didn't realize I wrote so much! I blame it on the chemo...and lack of sleep.
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