tip no. 41: Journaling is self-therapy on the cheap

I went to bed last night with such great intentions for today. I was going to wake up super early, watch the sunrise and head down to the pool to soak up some last minute sun before we leave. Instead, I woke up feeling like I've been hit by a truck. A truck that hit me, backed up, then hit me again. Mom had to bring me my pills, as I could hardly stand to get to the bathroom. I really don't know how much longer I can handle this! I was starting to feel so excited...I was so hopeful that the pain would be relieved after having the biopsy. Nope. I thought maybe I over did it the other day when I walked a little, but since then I haven't moved at all! I literally get pushed and/or wheel myself everywhere. It doesn't take too much effort to lay around drinking virgin drinks all day, so what is causing this pain?! On the 0-10 pain scale, right now it's about a 9.9.

Cancer or infection, they have to do something for this pain! It's taking over my life, not to mention everyone who has been caring for me. I feel like such a pain in the ass...wheel me here, wheel me there, get me this, get me that. I feel like I've lost my independence. Dr. Conrad said I can take more than 2 percocet at a time and I think I should start. I'm just worried about how that will make me feel. When I first started taking them, I'd just fall asleep for hours. I can't imagine taking more than 2...I'll sleep all day!

I finished reading "Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips" this trip. When I saw it, I had to get it. The first page I turned to said, "Happy Valentine's Day. You have cancer!" A few chapters after that was, "Holy shit! I have cancer." Instantly I felt connected. Not only did my biopsy take place on Valentine's Day, I think I've said holy shit about all of this many times, so I knew I would be able to relate. It's not about older people who've been married for 60 years, have a wonderful life, blah blah blah. It's about young women my age who still have a full life to live, are active, healthy and, in my opinion, don't deserve to have this crap happening!

Anyway, it's really helped me get through a lot of this. Even though I haven't been diagnosed yet, all of the girls in the book have gone through exactly what I'm going through now. Waiting, wondering, being in pain. It helps to read about others and get it through my head that I'll be OK. One of the tips was to get a shrink. I think I may be needing to do that for sure!

Keep keeping me in your prayers! It amazes me how many people are praying for me. I think I'm on just about every prayer chain in Longview. Harlan Gilliland (Longview Community pastor) has been calling, people on my parents hill have a prayer chain going...it's so touching. Although I don't belong or go to church, I still believe. Is that good enough? In times like this, I start to wonder. And although I believe, I find myself having a hard time having faith. Why would God want anyone to have to go though something like this? Not to mention my family. It's just as hard on them as it is on me!

Alright, time to try to get moving. I dread packing. As always, I brought way to much. 7 pairs of sandals/flip flops, about 1093 skirts....I do this every time. I already sent more than 1/2 home with Joe and my bag is still bulging at the seams! And that's not to mention all the shizzle I've bought! I have to wear the stupid compression socks that go up to my knee on the plane to prevent blood clots. On the other hand, I get handicap seating again. But then again, I look like a handicap. :/ Oh well...this too shall pass. Right?